School readiness isn’t reciting the alphabet. It’s being able to handle a “no” at the bakery.
Yesterday at the beach, I watched a 6 year old with messy blond braids sprint across the sand toward the ice cream truck, damp dollars clenched in her fist. She was sandy, sweaty and ready for a popsicle.
Quietly but confidently, she told the driver, “One Spider-Man pop,” and she pointed to the picture on the side of the truck.
He shook his head briskly, “No Spidermans left, honey,” he said.
She froze. For just a second, she looked back at her mom, who was sitting on the beach about 50 yards away. A tiny flicker of “What now?” crossed the little girl’s face. But her mom didn’t move. She didn’t shout instructions or take over. She just watched and confidently waited for her daughter to figure out what to do.
The girl turned back to the menu, ordered a lemon ice, and paid all by herself.
No tears, no fuss, just a girl who knew how to make a second choice when her first one wasn’t available.
That’s school readiness.
Not flashcards. Not being able to write your name perfectly. Not knowing all your letter sounds. Real school readiness is a 6-year-old who can pivot when her first choice isn’t available.
Here’s what else matters when preparing kids to start school (spoiler alert, it’s all stuff you can’t cram into a workbook.)
1. They are starting to be able to roll with small disappointments.
Not getting to sit next to their favorite friend. Not being chosen first to go to the painting easel. Someone knocking over their block building.
How you can facilitate this at home this summer:
Let them feel the small ouch without rushing to fix it. These moments are the curriculum. Model and talk often about making second choices in everyday life.
“I wanted to pick up tacos for lunch, but the stand was closed. I had to make a second choice, so we are having grilled cheese instead.”
“Oh darn, you wanted the blue towel, and your sister took it to camp with her. Guess it’s time to make a second choice. The other towels are in the closet. Pick one and put it in the bag.”
“Dad wanted those big yellow tomatoes for the salad, but the store was out. I chose the small red ones instead. I wonder if he will use those for the salad or make something else?”
“The librarian told you that someone had already checked out the shark book you wanted, and you picked a book on piranhas instead. When you were small, you might’ve cried about that, but now I see you easily making second choices!”
2. They’re starting to do small things for themselves.
Zipping their jacket. Opening their snack. Putting on shoes that might be on the wrong feet but who cares. “I can do it” moments build real confidence and self-worth.
How you can facilitate this at home this summer:
Leave time and mental bandwidth to let them do it themselves.
“That’s a tricky zipper. Take your time, I’m not in a hurry.”
“You got your shoes on all by yourself! It looks like they’re on the opposite feet. Do they feel okay to you, or do you want to switch them?”
“That Goldfish packet is hard to open. You tried pulling it and ripping it. Here are some scissors so you can keep working at it.”
3. They’re starting to be able to wait a reasonable amount of time without falling apart. Waiting for their turn at the swing. Standing in line at the water fountain. School is full of waiting, and handling small doses of boredom supports kids in getting ready for the rhythm of classroom life.
How you can facilitate this at home this summer: Practice small moments of waiting.
“We need to wait three minutes for the cookies to cool down before we try them.”
“I need to finish writing this email before we can go to the park. You can sit next to me, or find something quiet to do until I’m done.”
“You’ve been waiting so patiently while I talked to Noah’s mom. That’s the kind of waiting you’ll do sometimes at school, too.”
4. They’re starting to use their voice around other grown-ups.
Getting in the habit of speaking up develops an inner voice that says, “If I don’t know something, I can ask.” Build the foundation for classroom advocacy. You want your child to know they can raise their hand when they don’t understand, ask to use the bathroom, or tell the teacher when something’s wrong.
How you can facilitate this at home this summer: Create low-stakes opportunities for them to be their own advocate with safe adults.
“When we get to the ice cream shop, you can tell them what flavor you want. I’ll be right here.”
“The librarian is at the desk if you want to ask her where the bathroom is. I can come with you, but you do the asking.”
You can stop worrying about:
- Knowing all their letters and numbers
- Reading before kindergarten
- Perfect behavior
- How they measure up against their peers
From a mom who has three “big kids” now (17, 15 and 12), the best thing you can do is stop micromanaging their childhood and trust that the messy, everyday moments at the supermarket, the park or the library are the valuable ones.
Your job as the parent is to give them the belief that they can figure things out.
If you’re feeling behind this summer, you’re not. Start today by letting them pick the wrong popsicle or stumble through their zipper. Life will teach them the real stuff if you allow it to unfold, and walk beside them as it does. You’re doing more than enough.
Important note for parents of neurodivergent kids: For some children, these skills will develop on a different timeline or look a little different in practice. A child who needs to stim while waiting, or who asks for help in their own unique way, is still building the same foundation of resilience and self-advocacy.
Lizzie Assa is a parenting strategist, play expert, and founder of The Workspace for Children. A mom of three in Marblehead, she writes one of Substack’s top 50 parenting newsletters. Her upcoming book, “But I’m Bored,” explores independent play as a path to raising confident, resilient kids.
