From a mom whose 11-year-old really wishes she had one.
“Why can’t I have a phone? Ella has one and Nat has one too …”
I’ve had this conversation countless times with my 11-year-old for the past two years. While I want to roll my eyes and jump in with “Phones are the demise of childhood” or “You aren’t old enough yet” or “They only have one because…” I try not to approach the conversation that way. I know saying things like that will only leave her thinking I don’t understand her desire, so she will just keep begging.
Would we roll our eyes if our child asked for a bite of our cookie? Would we dismiss their desire as trivial? Probably not. We understand that wanting is natural.
So when they ask for their own phone, why do we roll our eyes, yell or become irritated? While a phone isn’t the same as a cookie, the idea of wanting one is the same.
It is a delicate balance to hold limits while not making our children feel bad for their completely normal desire to want something they see all around them.
When my daughter starts in on “When am I getting a phone?” I try to show her it’s OK to ask for what she wants, even when the answer is going to be no.
Here’s how (this is going to take patience):
“Yeah, more and more kids in your grade have phones than they used to. What are they using them for? Tell me more about that. What do you like about phones? Why do you wish you could have one? How would you use it?”
And I am clear about my limit by saying:
“It’s not time for you to get a phone yet. Dad and I aren’t yet comfortable with that and we are in charge, but it sounds like it’s really important to you. We can keep talking about it.”
This shows her that we value her thoughts and opinions, even when they differ from ours.
Sometimes, she won’t let it go, and it’s really hard to stay patient (or kind).
My role isn’t to squash my daughter’s desires for things like phones. Instead, it’s to help her navigate the reality of boundaries while letting her know it’s OK to want things.
Here’s what I do when the requests become persistent:
“This conversation isn’t getting anywhere. Let’s make a date to talk about it again on Tuesday when Dad is tucking in your sister. I will put it on my calendar. If you think of anything else, write it down and we can talk then. Until then, I’m not going to talk about it.”
Remember: You can say no and show your child you care about their wants and experiences.
Our “when will I get a phone” conversations have grown less tense over time. Yes, her desire for one has intensified, and yes, my resolve to wait remains firm. But what matters most is that she feels safe expressing her wants, and I feel secure in my boundaries. Because ultimately, this isn’t about phones — it’s about nurturing a relationship where we can be honest with each other, even in disagreement.
