“I’m stupid! I can’t do this!”
My heart sank to the bottom of my belly when those words tumbled out of his mouth.
We were all sitting around the kitchen counter: my third grader was working through some math problems, while my first grader and preschooler played “store” using playdough and small animals.
I had already noticed him looking longingly at the playdough balls his sisters were kneading into shape for their pretend game — the one he usually leads with confidence. Instead, there was homework to do.
A newly minted third grader, his homework switched from weekly packets given on Monday to be turned in on Friday, to daily assignments due the next morning. As a parent and an educator, I am staunchly opposed to homework, but we chose public school for our children, and it felt important at that time in my motherhood to “follow” the rules. At least when the homework was weekly, my little guy could build it into his weekly cadence of unstructured play, riding bikes and building an enormous Lego airport. He had some control over when it was optimal to complete homework. But in third grade, the rules changed.
He slammed down his pencil, put his head down in frustration, and said, “This is too hard!” Then he kicked his chair out from under him and ran into the other room to cuddle our dog, who was nestled deep into the couch. I entered the living room and put my hand on his warm, tousled hair, brushing away the tears streaming down his dirt-streaked face.
God, parenting is hard. I also wanted to stomp and yell, “You’re not stupid! This work is stupid!” But I am an adult, so I refrained. I took some deep, soothing breaths, partly to co-regulate his breathing and partly to calm myself down. I grounded myself in my parenting values and my education background.
I put myself in his shoes. I thought about how I feel when something feels too hard and also necessary to complete. If I were putting together an IKEA shelf, for example, and I yelled out in frustration or stomped my feet, I would absolutely not want my husband to tell me, “Don’t scream and carry on. Get it done.”
It would not make me feel supported if I told my husband that even though I’m capable of completing a master’s degree, I still can’t read the damn directions in a way that makes sense, and he responded with, “We don’t say the word stupid in our family.”
I thought about what would help him feel connected and understood, and be able to move through the hard feelings and do the next thing.
It’s intense to hear your young child say those things about themselves. It feels like you screwed up as a parent: “Does my child have low self-esteem? Where did I go wrong?” “Does my child have a learning disability? “Why can’t he do his homework?” “He’s not allowed to say stupid; now his little sisters are going to copy him!”
You want to immediately correct them! You want to whisk those thoughts and words far, far away…
Pause. Breathe.
Your child is frustrated. Something is hard. In the moment, something feels impossible for them to solve. You have two choices: You can open the conversation, or you can shut it down.
Connection and understanding help you to open the conversation, allowing for further inquiry and support. Correction and a big reaction close the conversation down, leaving your child alone in their struggle.
I will always aim to parent from a place of connection over correction. I won’t always be able to do it, but I will try.
We tend to parent our children the way we were parented, and if you, like me, came up in the 80s and 90s, you were probably told things like, “We don’t say I can’t” and “Try, try again!” It would make sense if you hear yourself repeating these phrases. But if you want to try things another way for your child, here are a few examples of how to reword your response for connection:
Child: “This is too hard!”
You: “No it’s not. You can do it.” >>> “Does it feel like you should already know how to do it?”
Child: “I’m too stupid.”
You: “No, you’re not. Don’t say that.” >>> “It must feel like you’ll never get it right.”
Child: “I don’t know how.”
You: “I saw you do it yesterday!” >>> “Sounds frustrating. Can I help you think it through?”
Meet your child where they are in the moment of frustration instead of correcting them. Think of how you want to be encouraged when you are down on yourself.
Pro parenting tip: If homework is too hard, give your child a Post-it note and have them write to their teacher: “I don’t understand this problem, can we work on this in class?” or “I tried to complete this but I got too frustrated.” It is not your job as a parent to teach your child concepts; that is your teacher’s job. Instead, teach your child to respectfully advocate for themselves by communicating with their teacher using the Post-it note method.
Whew. Parenting, right? It’s a wild ride, especially when our kids are struggling. So, next time your little one is in tears over homework (or anything that feels too big for them):
- Breathe. I know, insert eye roll. But trust me, it helps.
- Remember: connection before correction. Your child needs to feel heard more than they need a quick fix. Try rephrasing. Instead of “You’ve got this!” maybe “It sounds like this feels really hard right now. Want to talk about it?”
- That Post-it note trick? It’s a game-changer. It teaches kids to speak up for themselves respectfully.
- Go easy on yourself. We’re all just winging it here. The fact that you’re even thinking about this stuff? Your kid is lucky to have you.
Your job isn’t to make everything easy for our kids. It’s about being there, in the trenches with them, when things get tough.
You’re doing great. They’re doing great. Even when it feels like you’re both falling apart.
Now, go scoop up that frustrated little human of yours and give them a big squeeze. Chances are, you both could use it right about now.
Lizzie Assa is founder of The Workspace for Children, a parenting strategist, play expert and mother of three who lives in Marblehead.
