Dear Lizzie,
My 2- and 4-year-olds constantly interrupt their play to check in with me. While I love their enthusiasm, it’s exhausting and prevents me from getting anything done. How can I encourage independent play without making them feel neglected?
Dear reader,
If you have a child who constantly seeks attention and feedback, you might think they’ll never play independently. But rest assured, all children can learn to play independently. It may just take a little extra effort and patience on your part.
If you constantly hear “MOMMY! Come look at my building!” try creating accessible play prompts based on what your kids love. For example, if they love trains, make sure their play space includes an area where the tracks are already set up for them, with a few extra pieces for them to add on. It’s more inviting for your child and they’ll be more likely to dive right in without needing to ask you for help.
If they love puzzles, put one out on the table with a few pieces together and the rest spread out around it. This way, they won’t need your help choosing a puzzle, getting it down and getting started. Do they love playdough? Take it out of the container and put it on a tray with two or three figurines or cutting tools. When kids are presented with the whole box of playdough, tools and toys, it’s too overwhelming for them to get started and maintain play independently. Take the “work” out of it for them, so that they can start playing without needing your help.
Next, try introducing small increments of waiting time. For example, if your child asks you to come to look at their building, respond by saying, “I can’t wait to check it out in two more minutes. Can you set a timer on Alexa for me please?” This helps them practice waiting and gives you a chance to finish up whatever task you’re working on. If they need more support try saying, “You want me to come right now and I am making lunch. Put four more blocks on and then I’ll be there to look!” This tells your child that you hear them and understand them, and it gives them a concrete time that you’ll be able to attend to them. The more concrete you can be, the more successful this strategy will be.
If they keep asking, try this: “I’m not going to look right now. Instead, can you describe your work to me?”
Make sure you stop what you are doing when you say you are going to and attend to them fully. Put your phone down and don’t try to multitask.
When you are talking with your child about their play, encourage them to tell you about their process and effort rather than just the end result. This helps them focus on the process of play rather than just seeking validation from you. That might sound like: “Tell me about this part. It looks like you had to really think about how to make this work.” Or: “I’m curious about how many tries it must’ve taken to get those blocks balanced in that way!”
This won’t work right away. Like most things in parenting, it is a process. Remember that children who are used to constant entertainment and attention may need more practice in independent play. Be patient and remember that it’s a skill that can be developed over time.
Finally, don’t forget to encourage your child’s efforts. As they gain confidence and independence in their play, they will be more likely to seek it out on their own. Teaching independent play may take some time and effort, but it’s a valuable skill that will benefit your child in the long run. With a little patience and understanding, you can help your child who craves constant feedback learn to play independently and fill their own reserves.
Lizzie Assa is founder of The Workspace for Children, a parenting strategist, play expert and mother of three who lives in Marblehead.
