Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus – ’tis the season of giving. Here are 16 irreverent, humorous, critical and/or constructive gifts to various town government boards, employees and volunteers to help them in 2025.
Why 16? A Google AI search reveals the Bible’s Proverbs 16:16 highlights the importance of wisdom and insight. Alternatively, numerology practices associate 16 with positive transformation and new beginnings due to its connection with the lucky number seven (adding the digits of 16 gives seven). Lastly, I easily had that many.
The School Committee, a DEI cluster — dysfunctional, enfeebled and incompetent — is continuously consumed by crisis. A gift of strategy-focused inspiration and energy to qualitatively, quantitatively and financially define their vision of a “model school district” is desperately needed by this group. This includes explaining why Marblehead’s cost per student is 9% higher than an average of 28 comparably sized Massachusetts school districts when teacher salaries were 9% less. This implies that overall staffing levels, administrative compensation or other costs are too high. Otherwise, an override doesn’t stand a chance.
Town Administrator Thatcher Kezer must bargain with three more unions over the next many months, deliver a State of the Town address and organize the charge on selling a fiscal year 2026 override. The surname Kezer is an Americanized version of the German, Flemish and Dutch name Keyser, which means “emperor.” A gift of a “Kaiser helmet,” also called a “Pickelhaube,” with its distinctive metal spike, metal visor and chin strap will protect his head as he charges headfirst into these battles as “Kaiser Kezer.”
The Select Board dispatched Kezer, who works for them, as their emissary to help the School Committee dog the teachers’ union. They stated they were talking to the town administrator but what were they really telling him and when? On the morning after the mayhem in the MHS parking lot, board members Noonan and Fox voiced very supportive comments to the strikers assembled outside Abbot Hall. They effectively called off their dog, and the conflict was settled the next day. Five bottles of Harry Potter Veritaserum Truth Serum Potion available on Amazon are gifted to this bunch, one for each board member.
John DiPiano, MBTA Communities Act opposition ringleader, is quick to announce rejections by other towns but only on social media. A gift of a Fenway Park-style scoreboard high on all four sides of Abbot Hall’s bell tower and the ringing of bells Morse code style for “NO” = dash, dot; dash, dash, dash, will allow older ‘Headers to easily keep track of out-of-town scores. A digital scoreboard has no chance of approval by the Old and Historic Districts Commission.
Fire Chief Jason Gilliland, who declared the fire on fireworks barge “accidental,” is gifted a one-day apprenticeship at Morgan & Morgan where he will quickly learn the difference between “accidental” and “negligent.”
Finance Committee Chair Alec Goolsby and Finance Director Aleesha Benjamin are very meticulous. Yet they presented a FY 2026-28 financial forecast to the Select Board without anchoring it to FY 2024 actuals. These actuals are not even available six months after year-end FY 2024 (last June 30)! They are gifted a YouTube DIY video guide “How to pour a concrete foundation for financial forecasts.”
Jenn Schaeffner and Sarah Fox, a not so dynamic duo, lead the maligned School Committee facing a no confidence vote and calls for their resignation by more than 1,100 Marblehead residents. Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble’s loan of Fred’s Flintmobile could help them leave town quietly for more peaceful and greener pastures. Fred’s ride is much quieter and greener than even an Elon Musk Tesla EV.
Larry Sands and the Fort Sewall Oversight Committee have been confounded by the unsightly voluminous weeds growing in the mulched bed above the Gen. John Glover stone wall. Since nobody will weed it, a gift of 12 bags of courage with grass seed would allow Recreation and Parks to just mow it.
Public Health Director Andrew Petty received only one bid in his latest attempt to secure a general contractor for the $1.6 million Transfer Station project approved in June 2023. This bid was 103% more than estimated. Andrew is gifted a Box of Lucky Charms with a $2 million winning lottery ticket inside. Hopefully there will be a new Finance Department hire to play the lottery.
Public Works Director Amy McHugh, who recently presented a $61 million sidewalk master plan to the Select Board, is gifted a guarantee that every resident will attend in-person training on “How to use and walk on sidewalks.”
Assistant Assessor Todd Laramie, recently hired, plans to spend significant time reviewing building permits to identify property improvements to add to Marblehead’s tax base. The proverbial “pots of new tax revenue gold.” A beekeeper suit has been reserved for him in case he stirs up another hornet’s nest of property owners irate at the Board of Assessors.
Tracy Lawrence, newly appointed liaison to the MBTA Advisory Committee, and the Traffic Safety Advisory Committee are gifted the wisdom and energy to discontinue riderless, MBTA BIG bus service on Washington and Franklin streets between the Town House and Front Street. This would stop the dangerous games of “chicken” being played by racing MBTA buses protected by Moran & Moran billboards and everyone else. It would also relieve Attorney Paul Lynch from constantly re-erecting his property-protecting, waist-high, granite obelisk that the buses run over.
Jim Zisson, who recently announced his candidacy for Select Board, is gifted a sanity check administered by the late Stanford W. Hopkins, MHS football team doctor for 40 years. To ensure a win Hoppy would send concussed players back into the game declaring, “He’s alright!”
Marblehead Education Association leaders Jonathan Heller, Sally Shevory, Hannah Hood and Alison Carey, who were targeted specifically by the Marblehead School Committee in court to stop the strike. With the strike over, a presidential pardon of these “insurrectionists” is in order. Either Biden or Trump will do.
Select Board member Moses Grader, the longest reigning member, proudly proclaims ad infinitum his love for the regal traditions of the office including approving such things as one-day liquor licenses, parking restrictions and reproduction rights. Clarification, that’s reproduction rights for the Spirit of 1976 painting. Gifts of a bejeweled king’s crown, high throne, embroidered robe royal and scepter now entitle him to use the title of “King Moses.”
And for the residents of the town of Marblehead, gifts of peace, patience and promise.
James (Seamus) Hourihan was born in Marblehead and is a MHS graduate. For 35 years, he worked in finance, marketing and executive management roles at high-tech companies. He has lived here full-time since 2009. He currently sits on the Town Charter Committee.
