I was waiting in the line in the post office recently, which can feel like falling into a time warp some days. As I scrolled through my phone, I overheard a gentleman say to a female acquaintance he’d clearly not seen in a while, “You’re way too thin. I just told my wife the same thing.”
To which she replied in a shaky voice, “I’m fine. I’m fine, really.” She was clearly taken off guard and struggled to find an appropriate response.
Yet he persisted to tell her she didn’t look good and should “gain some weight back.”
She remained flustered and put off, then eventually said, “Well, I’m sorry but I feel good.” I looked up at her, smiled and said, “Don’t apologize.” It was difficult to watch and I couldn’t let go of the interaction for hours afterward.
First, I think we can all agree that commenting on someone’s weight if you believe they have weight to lose, is not appropriate. Here is why the inverse is also not appropriate and potentially harmful to the recipient’s mental and physical health.
A statement about someone’s physical appearance presupposes the following:
— They are not mentally or physically ill.
— That your opinion on their appearance matters to them.
— That you’re open to similar judgment, because fair is fair.
If you are genuinely concerned about someone because of how they appear, I’d ask you to consider the following replacements…
— How are you feeling?
— Is everything ok?
— What’s new with you?
This woman could have an eating disorder, a physical ailment, a loved one in crisis or any myriad of human issues that may be causing her to lose weight. If that was the case, this comment only made it worse, not better. This was likely a misguided attempt to show concern that turned into an inappropriate and potentially harmful passing of judgment.
Alternatively, this woman may love her body at that weight. She eats healthily and works out and wants to look exactly the way she does. In that case, your opinion does not matter. Hard stop. We all have agency over how we choose to present ourselves to the world. And words matter.
And this isn’t just a woman issue. I’ve seen this happen to men my entire life and it’s just as hurtful and harmful.
During this holiday season, when you see loved ones who you may have not seen for months and you are tempted to comment on their appearance, I’m not suggesting it’s all off limits. I’d simply invite you to consider — are your words harmful or helpful and are you contributing to the hurting or the healing? And not from your perspective, from theirs.
I want to close by acknowledging this season of giving thanks. It’s a perfect time to also consider how impactful actively practicing deep gratitude is on your mental health. Research has found that anxiety and gratitude are inconsistent emotions. It’s difficult, if not impossible, to feel both at the same time. Even when things aren’t going well, gratitude makes what you have enough.
Dr. Brene Brown’s research found that when things are going well, most people wonder “What if something bad happens?” She says, “We dress rehearse tragedy to beat vulnerability [pain] to the punch.”
Don’t wait to practice gratitude until you are full of joy and everything is perfect. It will never happen. Practice gratitude in order to feel joy even when everything is not perfect.
Wendy Tamis Robbins is an anxiety expert, bestselling author, well-being and transformational coach, attorney, speaker, cancer survivor, stepmom and wife. Learn more about her at wendytamisrobbins.com.
